Psybc presents MEET THE MESS WITH CHUCK PROD
TRUMPWORLD: BIG CROWDS
Chuck: We’re hearing some amazing things from the new administration this week. Yesterday, President Trump’s press secretary, Brawn Slicer, came out swinging about the press misrepresenting the crowd size at President Trump’s inauguration. Here’s what he said.
Brawn: Contrary to lies told by the sick, disingenuous mainstream media, yesterday President Trump’s inauguration was attended by the largest crowd ever. And that was only in the U.S. Actually, in Washington, D.C. alone. If you count the other continents, it was the largest crowd in the history of our solar system. If you add the two closest galaxies, it was the largest crowd since the Big Bang. Come to think of it, it was the only other Big Bang since the original one. Probably even bigger than the original. Louder, and with more moving parts.
Chuck: Later that day I had the privilege of a private audience with Brawn. Here’s how it went.
Chuck: Wow, what a first press conference. Well, not a conference exactly. More like a press beat down. Tell us how it happened, Brawn.
Brawn: Yeah, the Boss made me do it. He didn’t exactly say, “Go out there and lie.” He said, “I’m great, am I not? Everybody knows how great I am. Even you. Wouldn’t the greatest leader in American history have the largest crowd ever? Now go out there and tell it like it is…or else!
Chuck: This morning I had the opportunity to interview the President’s advisor, Carry-On Con-Woman, to seek further enlightenment on the attendance issue:
Chuck: So, let’s talk about Brawn Slicer’s press announcement yesterday. Don’t you agree the inauguration size was wildly exaggerated?
Carry-On: Let’s focus on the numbers that the American people really care about. Like how many dyspeptic, Planned Parenthood-despising angels our amazing President can fit on the head of a made-in-America pin. And how many times he can say “forgotten white men” and “American exceptionalism” in 24 hours.
Chuck: Carry-On, you’re not really answering the question.
Carry On: What question? Is there a question?
Chuck: Yes. Why are you lying about the size of the crowd?
Carry-On: Were you there? I mean did you cover the entire solar system? Did you even report from Pluto?
Chuck: Pluto isn’t a planet anymore.
Carry-On: Just because the International Astronomical Union says so? Are we going to cede our sovereignty to an international cabal? Have you talked to the hard working, white middle class Plutonians who lost their jobs under Obama? Donald has! Lying Hillary thought she was too good for that little excursion. Anyway, the next Executive Order will dictate U.S. withdrawal from the Interstellar Association of Sane Species. Put that in your e-cigarette and vape it!
Chuck: Be reasonable, Carry-On. PSYBC is not funded by plutocratic billionaires. We can’t cover demoted planets.
Carry-On: Just as I thought. A mere 4.67 billion miles is too much for you arrogant liberal weenies. Not to worry. When we drain the swamp, we will be pumping the waste water under the ground of the east and west coasts. When you add that to the rising sea levels caused by global warming, by 2020 the entire feculent progressive professional class will be six feet under.
Chuck: I thought you Trumpists don’t believe in global warming? Didn’t President Trump call it the hoax of the century?
Carry-On: We never called it a hoax. You just did.
Chuck: Let me play you a video of your boss’s campaign speech in Hilton Head, South Carolina, on May 5 2016:
Carry-On: Uh, oh. Chuck, let me consult my notes…
Let’s see, maybe he did say that. But he didn’t mean it. He says a lot of things he doesn’t mean. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t amazing. Or false. He did mean it, but he un-meant it later. He meant it for unemployed white people, but not for important people who do great, great projects. Or maybe—OMG—I dropped my cheat sheets in a puddle. Who put this puddle here, anyway?! My boss promised to eliminate all puddles in his first five days. Oh, but look at my reflection in that one, aren’t I awesome?
Carry-On: As Brawn said, Me and My Boss, we’re the loudest noise in the history of the alternate galaxy.
Chuck: The alternate galaxy? I’d call it the fabric of infinite falsehoods!
Carry-On: Haven’t you read The Theory of Everything?
Chuck: Isn’t that the awesome collection of Roz Chast cartoons?
Carry-On: No, you ignorant liberal flunky. That’s Theories of Everything. I’m talking about Steve Hawkins, the science guy. He says that every alternate reality already exists.
Chuck: I thought you guys didn’t believe in science.
Carry-On: That was yesterday.
Chuck: And that’s all for today’s MTP!
PsychNotes: The world that you and I live in provides ample opportunity to experience ourselves as ordinary and insignificant. Such opportunities are anathema to the pathological narcissist, who is constant danger of a precipitous fall in self-regard. Healthy people fend off threats to self-regard with ordinary internal and external resources – reminding ourselves of our worth, seeking feedback from people who appreciate us. For the pathological narcissist, such measures are difficult to take, and in any case insufficient. But he does have another, albeit drastic option at his disposal: change the world to conform to his needs by substituting an internally generated fantasy version for the version most of us agree is real. Thus do little crowds become BIG. The frightening thing is that such desperate alterations can be applied to far more important bits of reality than crowd size